Twitter Post Elaboration/Weekend Wrap-Up

As some of you may know, i have a twitter. it's a social networking blog site but the blog can only be a maximum of 180 characters(including spaces). anywayz, i use it to blurb about my day or how i feel ALL the time because i can never think of enough to make a full blog. so i posted a tweet on the 27th of December and i need to elaborate, if not for you than for myself. here's the post:

"jst got hm frm werk & had a weird night full of out-of-the-blue feelings...i have no idea what my heart is doin!?! " 10:47pm

ya, oh man i wish i could explain, better yet, i wish you could've been there. all last week just felt so weird. it totally didnt feel like Christmas. everyday i felt like i was missing something or someone. yes, i realize i wasn't with the family im usually with because since last Christmas a lot has happened and ive moved out. so this Christmas was spent mostly with the Schoenrock/Stumm family.

but thats not what it was, i didnt feel like i was out of place. i just felt like i was forgetting.my emotions were running krazi. almost everything that happened made me cry. we went and saw pop and i cried, i almost cried when i opened my cell phone, i cried leaving gram's house in Maryland...etc. it never fails...i dont cry when it makes since to cry, nnoooo why would i do that!?! i cry out of the blue, when something that doesnt matter happens.

take this for example: saturday i had to work 2-10. i went to work feeling ok, nothing bad had happened. i was actually quite excited because i picked up my glasses. then it turned sour when a co-worker of mine and i got attitudes w/ each other. then i came off of break @ 7pm and then had to take orders in drive-thru for the rest of my shift. a little bit after i started taking orders Todd & Tammi stopped by to say goodbye. they were leaving to drive back to NH.

they stopped in the parking lot by the window and yelled "goodbye, we love ya!" i heard them say that and then i had to start taking an order. idk why but i turned around after taking that order and it took all i had to stop myself from crying. it was an out-of-the-blue type of thing.

ya, i have no idea what my heart is doing...it seems like it has a mind of its own, ya know? then sunday morning at church i arrived early to type up the songs for church. little did i know that my services would actually be needed. I hadn't been there since the week before so i had no idea what to expect. i got there, typed the songs, and stayed back there for the service. @ the end of service PB(Pastor Bob) said that he couldn't end the service without making an altar call. i was in the soundbooth praying and, again, almost crying. then i walked down to the front for prayer. PB prayed for me and i stood there & prayed alone for a bit then returned back to the booth. service was about over when Lisa came back and prayed with me. She prayed some powerful stuff.

so, do you remember that feeling of forgetting or missing something?!?! ya well let's just say i think i remebered or found it! that's right ppl, Jesus. i knew i wasn't praying or spending time in the Word like i should and then on Sunday God just grabbed my heart and threw that realization in my face. now i know what i have to do and i believe that God will give me the strength to remember to do it! ;)

wow ppls, what a week! i will begin something new, again. i will post a song that i have heard and it helped me or just a song that i found to be totally awesome & real! i will post it on my playlist if it's available to do so. i hope y'all enjoy.

Song Title: I Know You're Calling
Song Artist: Jeremy Camp
Song Album: Stay

Past/Reality

IM BACK!! ya im back to reality!! ;) i'm sorry about my last post, it truly was an outrage post. i wasn't feeling myself & i was thinking about things that were totally crazy!

this week has been a bit of a doozy. last saturday night i worked as normal, came home, went to bed & woke up at 635a on sunday morning w. a wicked stomach ache! it hit me all of a sudden. then, i woke up at exactly 735a, an hour later. i couldnt believe it, exactly an hour. i promised i would be at church by 845a so i decided to just stay up. all morning in the sound booth i was wincing in pain...it was nuts.

i left church and came home, i had work at 4p. yes people i know it was a sunday and i usually dont work but i need the money and they needed help. i got home from church at about 1p and wanted to lay down but i couldnt. idk i was sooo tired and exhausted. i was home alone and there's just something about being home alone that kind of disables me. i went to work & almost didnt make it. my legs hurt like crazy and i was nauseous and dizzy all night, oh it was such a mess. all these feelings didnt go away until monday night when i was ready for bed but i was sooo glad it was over!

this week ive been mad busy: i worked monday, tuesday, wednesday, and thursday. last weekend i worked saturday and sunday so that makes 6 days in a row! i've never done that before! ;) ok so now REALLY back to reality! ha ha psych...these are my thoughts on reality.

Reality is defined in Webster's Dictionary as this: "a real event, entity, or state of affairs." i see reality as being here & now. yes, it is the fact of being real but on so many levels. reality is the time & place in where events occur. my reality is totally a major blur. i mean the past couple weeks have been pretty hazy and emotional but today just topped it all off.

i found out that Pop was back in the ER because he hasn't been eating/drinking anything. my mom says he won't even try to take care of himself. seeing and hearing that is just depressing, especially about him. Pop is the strongest guy i know, heck, he's Pop! i know he'll make it through, he always does. i mean that's reality!

then i have to realize that Gram really might not come up for Christmas! ya, how upsetting is that?? i was told that and i almost lost it, wait, i did lose it!! Gram has come up from Maryland for Christmas every year since she moved there in 1995. Now, all of a sudden, she's not coming. Now i have to ask myself: is this the start to a new reality?? a reality where things are never gonna be the way they used to be; EVER again?!?

there's some other things going on too that i would prefer not to discuss until I fully comprehend the situation myself but i will tell you that info will come shortly. its is now 12:51a on Saturday morning & i am not even tired. i will leave you now to ponder on these thoughts. well, my thoughts.

until reality finally sets in! ;)
~Kali

yea...that's what i thought

this blog is about me, obviously...duh!! to be honest, i haven't really treated it that way. ive treated it like a daily news column or an advice column of sorts. yes thats all fine and dandy but according to my post last week, i gotta be real.

my status on Gchat for a couple days has been; "confused feelings are indeed confusing."
definition: "i dont know how i feel therefore im confusing myself just trying to figure it out!!"

literally, i mean come on. i understand that the human emotions are the most in depth concepts to understand but im a pretty straight forward kinda person, except for lately that is. nothing major. nobody got in trouble or passed away; its just little stuff that's been building up. ya know, the kinda stuff that we think won't make a difference later!? well guess what?...it does!! and the sad part is we don't realize it until we're at our breaking point.

i know im not the only one that lets this happen but i just have to let it out. here's how it goes:

• Pop(grandfather) was in the hospital for Thanksgiving and now he's in a Skilled Nursing Facility(SNF)
• Gram(grandmother) is planning on not coming up from Maryland for Christmas
• my dad wants me to come up there but idk how that's gonna happen considering i dont have a car!
• im still making minimum wage @ McD's where ive been working for 2 yrs!?!?
• im supposed to take a test to get a promotion but its difficult to see that happening anytime soon because there's no training mgr.
• im still a junior in HS @ the ripe old age of 18
• i have no clue what my future looks like let alone what college imma go to

i think thats everything for right now but i feel like im bursting @ the seams. i just cant seem to find the right emotion to cover it all.

honestly, i wanna crawl under a rock like a worm and dig into the dirt and sleep for a living until some little 4 year old boy comes and digs me up to use me for bait while him and his dad go fishing. i know, i know, i know it sounds a little grim but thats how im seeing things right now.

as i feel somewhat accomplished because i have actually finished a blog in one sitting @ 1230a on a Tuesday morning, i think i can get some sleep now. oh yea did i mention its hard to do that too!?! sleep is so overrated!>! ha ha ha ya right i wish.

good nite cyber world & sweet dreams! ;)

somewhat complacent,

~Kali~